Caution: Inside my head.

I just turned away in the middle of a decision to go up on top of the roof and sit and draw. It felt so wrong. Like I would have been adding a weight to my life that I don't want right now.

This happens often during the creative process. The emotional feelers are out, wanting good vibes and then bad ones come in and shut everything down.

And now I feel as if I were to go up there, I might want to jump off. But no, that's just indulgence. The building isn't high enough.

I almost deleted those last words. Somehow even in an anonymous blog I didn't want to sound suicidal, maybe not even to myself. The funny thing is, my antidepressants seem to be making me more volatile, more impulsive and hotheaded than I've been in years. But I don't really feel good about it.

The Ultimate Work of Art

Looking longingly again for some opus interactive online but accessible venue in which to place every single thing that is important to me and have organized access to it.

That's pretty extreme, lets try again: I would like to have ideally, a book, one that I could write in and access my philosophy, my thoughts, my being from, should the need arise. An interactive "who I am" combination diary and resource that I could use as a toy when I'm bored and as a legacy when I'm dead.

That was better. Now: I want this and its accessibility and its searchability without having to work very hard at it. Also,

I would like to have it suggest to me what to think- or rather, what to think next. I would also like to have it tell me what I need to review. What I really want is everything in my head, everything, but this would be the next best thing, all my thoughts about everything from Shogun to aesthetics to the hivemind to dreaming to everything, including what I've read, where I've been, etc etc. . All the disconnected connections that live in my head and in years of computer and written notes, searchable, as in totally searchable and sortable, from HG Wells Door in the Wall to Wolf Kahn on video to my thoughts about my curdled personality.

I would call this an idle obsession.

I mean, we have this wonderful technology and storage media. This would be a work, an artwork, a cyber power object. To what point? Schizophrenia?